after the turning point

"Ready.

My life right now is defined by the word. Ready. It's as if I am sitting on the brink of the rest of my life, waiting. I'm ready for so many things. I am ready for camp to start. I am ready to try to run it. I am ready to talk about Jesus. I am ready to be done waiting. I am ready to be done with restriction. I am ready to be done planning, for planning can go on forever. I am ready to Go, and Ido. I may fail, but i am ready. I am ready to be reunited with the girl i love. I am ready to be married. I am ready to start school again. I am ready.

I feel as though i have been sitting and waiting. Not waiting in laziness, but waiting nonetheless. I'm through waiting. I hate feeling as though I can't do anything YET. My backpack is on. My load is here. Jesus I am ready to be used by You. You are my King. I am ready for battle.

I am here.
I am ready.
Ready..."

From the third entry in my journal, July 19, 2009

"Jesus was God's perfect helper, as well as God's equal. There is a sacred relationship between the Father and Son that is dimly represented in a marriage covenant."

-shelli

this too shall be made right

there’s a time for peace and there is a time for war
a time to forgive and a time to settle the score
a time for babies to lose their lives
a time for hunger and genocide
this too shall be made right

the weight

i wont run away


though the storm's getting worse


and there's no end in sight...

it is coming...

i think about it for hours at times, and at times i never want to think about it again. i am so pumped for it, but i dread it at the same time. i want it so much, but i am scared by it. i think i know what it will be like, and think i know nothing about it. i've never wanted something so badly in my life, but i want to postpone it and sometimes want it never to happen.

it is full of mystery.
it is full of excitement.
it is full of joys.
it is full of sorrows.
it is too far away.
it is too close.
it will be easier.
it will be harder.
i want it.
i dread it.
it will enable me.
it will hinder me.
it is comforting.
it is nerve-racking.
it is almost here.

it is coming...

pride is funny

pride is a funny thing. because we aren't that good. we aren't that strong. we aren't that smart. we aren't that nice, that loving, that loyal, that cool, that honorable, that righteous.

we just aren't that awesome.

we have no room for pride in our lives. its funny that Jesus Christ, who is the God of gods and the King of the universe, doesn't even show pride. His humility is shown by how He descended from heaven to become one of us, and He loves us even though we are bad, weak, ignorant, mean, hateful, disloyal, stupid, dishonorable, and evil. we have no room for pride, and we should mirror to humility of the One who will return to judge the nations.

He is that awesome.

all the world is mad

“The blind lead the blind in the bottomless pit,
still we smile and deny that we’re cursed.”

...

"Oh, what little light we have,
it only serves to show
the snares and seeds of wrath
that we've already sown."

-All the World is Mad: Thrice

boys don't cry...

why are anger and pride the only acceptable "manly" emotion?

so many people think this. think that being manly means eating lots of meat and driving a truck and yelling. think that males who drink tea and drive an eco-friendly car are wussies. think that emotions that men show are 2: pride and anger. all others are for women, and males who act more like little girls. men don't do that crap.

and we definitely can't cry.

i'm tired of all the talk i have heard lately from intelligent men who say that men don't have as much emotions as women. its stupid. i think most men just don't think it is ok for them to express an emotion beyond pride and anger (both of which are sins, though anger isn't always, often it is). or they are ignorant to how to show them. in all reality, this ignorance show that they are not men and not confident enough to admit to feeling. these "men" are more wussy than any man willing to show that they are a real human with emotions and sensitivities. in a sense, its true that boys don't cry. especially boys in men's bodies, who have men's jobs and men's bills and men's toys. those boys are too weak to cry, too insecure. so they are either prideful, when they are in a good mood, or angry when they are not. boys DON'T cry...

but men do.

is it nothing?

not too long ago i met a lady and after the usual small talk introductions, we started talking about ministry. i told her that i recently became the jr. high intern at my church and how i was excited about it. she smiled and said something to the effect of "good, kids need someone to teach them good morals." she went on to talk about her ministry to college students and i listened and thought it sounded awesome.

this interaction, however has continually popped back into my head since i talked with this woman. and i keep thinking about how people generally view youth ministry. they see "youth" as a stage when people either go the "right way" in life or the "wrong way." (this is not necessarily the entirety of the view of this woman i talked with, but she got me thinking...) Since youth are so vulnerable and they will choose what type of life they lead at this time, they need someone to guide them, so that they can become good people and productive in society. youth group is a place where kids can learn the good way to live.

honestly, it breaks my heart that some people think this way. i don't work with jr. highers because i want them to be good people. that will never work. i work with them now, and will continue to work with them for the rest of my life because they need Jesus. for youth group to be merely a "moral compass" for the rest of the students' lives is absurd. a youth group that teaches morality is just a hang-out in a church building. the only way to live is through Jesus! so when i teach, i am not teaching them to be good people. i want to teach them to understand that they are bad people, but there is a good God. a God who loves them and forgives them and who sent His Son to die for them.

that is what youth ministry is all about. not teaching morals. telling the story of Jesus.

i was driving home from work just now and as usual, there was a homeless looking man holding a sign made of cardboard and sloppy writing. i intantly noticed that this was a new man who i had not seen before, and so i read his sign. written with bad grammar, or no grammar for that matter, was the plea, "any helps, pocket change" and another small phrase asking for cents (which i cannot remember...). below these words was the phrase "thank you" written in three languages, which i thought was pretty cool.

the man's hair was medium length black and grey, and he had a full grey beard. he looked to be in his early 50's. but an old early 50's, no doubt. he was not saying anything to the cars, nor was he smiling at us, as some of the men do, but just standing there. a solitary pedestrian in a sea of cars.

then i looked around and saw another man, very similar hair color, most likely same age. "they might even have the same birthday"i thought. but there was a distinct difference. this man was driving a new bmw convertible. his hair was trimmed, he had no beard, and had on a semi-formal shirt. i saw this man look at the first and look away quickly.

their two worlds met, and it seemed to be uncomfortable to this second man. he looked away so fast, i guessed he couldn't bear the sight of his peer. he took off so fast when the light turned green that it seemed like he was escaping. escaping from his discomfort, i thought.

this reminded me of another time two world collided recently, only it was for me.

i have a friend who is an awesome woman who got married this summer. i drove about 3 hours total to go to her wedding, because i hadn't seen her in a couple years and well, she was getting married. the wedding was beautiful, and strange in some ways because she married a man from liberia, so there were two culture, not just two lives, mixing into one. there was so much joy.

between the wedding and the reception, i got a call from my mom. at first it was merely small talk, but i could sense something was odd. she told me she didn't have to tell me then, but i couldn't bear the weight of waiting. so she told me. my cousin's cousin died.

he was 19.

he was a year younger than me, and his body simply gave out. he was skim boarding all day when he passed out and his friends and paramedics could not revive him. my mom told me about the state of his parents, and i sensed that all was not well. there was so much sorrow.

the rich and the poor.
the joys and the sorrows.

they seem to come together. and, once again i am reminded that the God i serve is the God of everyone and evry situation. not just the rich. not just the poor. not just of joy. not just of sorrow.

the God of All.

And Yet...

“Listen to me” You said i should

heed Your Word, i said i would

and Yet, neither of these things did i,

worship You and loudly sing

to all proclaim You are The King

and Yet, neither of these things did i,

trust in You is what i need

only Your advice should i heed

and Yet, neither of these things did i,

Your strength will aid me when i’m weak

for help all i must do is seek

and Yet, neither of these things did i

“Believe I loved you from the start

all I want is all your heart,

and strength and soul, and your head

and turn not your back to Me instead”

and Yet, none of these things did i,

i said the strength i need is mine

and i’d be a king, and i’ll be fine

but i knew that these all were lies

and “regard them not,” i said would i

and Yet, again these things did i,

i see Your eyes asking “why?”

and You hear my strange reply,

“and Yet, again these things did i”

i see Your eyes asking “why?”

and You know my strange reply,

“and Yet, again these things did i”

and Yet…

again these things did i,

but still the thorns were on Your brow

and shards of glass ripped through Your skin

in mock and jest they sneered at You

and fist and rod bruised You well

till no one knew which one You were

and they set You on that tree so high

all of this in place of me

and i looked on with boring eyes

and Yet, these things You did for i.